The Town Mall/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show!" and here he is now, a man who once yelled... "waiter, there's a fly in my pants." your host, my hero, uncle red, uncle red green. (cheers and applause) thank you very much. Thank you. Appreciate it. Boy, I had a rough day at the lodge yesterday. Buster and I were dragged up to this new mall by our wives. New mall? Yeah. You were up at the new mall? Yeah. You went to the new mall? The one at port asbestos? That new mall? That is supposed to be so cool up there. They've got, like, a music store. They've even got a gap. Well, harold, everybody at possum lodge has a gap somewhere. I tell you, every mall has three things the same... Clothes, stores and benches for the husbands to sit on. I wish I knew you were going to the mall. I really wish -- can I go with you next time you go? Well, there's not going to be a next time, harold. Yeah, buster and I were banned from the mall. What did he do this time? Well, I don't blame him so much. We were bored, we were tired, and they should never serve beer anywhere there's a fountain. I'll tell you though, harold, I don't even care about that because that mall has no hardware store, no car dealership. There's nothing I want there. Well, you can buy that kind of stuff downtown possum lake. But downtown possum lake doesn't have a mall. See, the ladies like to go to a mall. Wait a sec. What? We can turn downtown possum lake into a mall. Well... Yeah, yeah. It looks like it's already been mauled so -- how are you going to take a bunch of randomly located shops and stores and hovels and turn them into a hi-tech enclosed mall? Well, I don't know, harold, but that doesn't stop me from trying. No, but it stops you from succeeding. ôôô red green: On this week's show bill is going to try skating, going to go well I'm guessing. I'm going to convert the possum van to run on propane, for a while. Harold's got a double-barreled slingshot there by the look of 'er, and arnie has a medical problem. Possum lake into a mall is dreally taking shape. Merchants are all excited about it. I guess they have wives too. Uncle red, what are you going to do, like, put a dome over the entire downtown area? You've got to remember, like, you guys aren't architects or builders or engineers. You're more like the -- you guys are more like the people who hold things... For the guy who knows what he's doing. And this guy ain't coming. Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't worry, harold, this plan is fool proof. Tell me this. What is the most appealing part of an indoor mall? The stores. No, flavoured popcorn. No, babes. Babes, babes, babes, no. Oh, yeah! No, no. Yes, yes. The convenience, harold, the ability to go from store to store without going outside. You've got to have a fountain. You've got to have a fountain. 'cause that's where all the teenagers hang out where there's babes. I'll be getting right on that, harold. So the question is how do you attach the stores together when you're working with a limited budget? Duct tape? No, no. Oh, good. Harold, you're going to love this. The stores are already attached together. Huh? Through the storm sewers. Storm sewers. I knew you'd like it. Oh, yeah, I'm loving it. I'm loving it. You go into a store, you go down into the basement, you drop into the sewer and you stroll along in concrete-lined comfort to the next shop. The mall is pre-built. That's the beauty of it. Well, if that's the beauty of it, I don't want to know the ugly part. Ô oh, have you ever had a dream you were falling ô ô falling ô ô well chances are you weren't really falling ô ô falling ô ô unless you fell asleep skydiviing ô ô skydiving ô ô and that's not really recommended ô ô if you'd read the instructions you'd know that ôô you know what? It's time to play the possum lodge word game! And this week the grand prize is for anyone who has ever dreamed of visiting the eiffel tower, the leaning tower of pisa, the tower of london. This week's grand prize, a road map of europe! You can find anything. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Dalton humphrey to say this word. "accident." "accident." okay, go! Okay, dalton, mistake...? Marrying young. Disaster...? Marrying later in life. All right, remember a couple of days ago, your daughter bumped into your piggy bank, smashed it on the floor. That was an...? Omen. Okay, two years back now, remember your daughter's in the back seat of that car. She had that terrible...? Marriage proposal. No, five years -- five years back. Remember she crashed your pinto. Insurance fraud. They never proved that! They never proved that! Almost out of time. Just keep going to save yourself. All right your daughter 24 years ago...? Oh, an accident. (frantic bell ringing) there was nothing on tv last night, at least nothing that I wanted to watch, so I ended up at the kitchen table trying to pay a few bills. I'm looking at my credit card statement. I couldn't believe how much I spend on gasoline. I blame it on two things... The gas mileage of the possum van, and the fact that all the other lodge members have locking gas caps. So this week on handyman corner, I'm going to convert the possum van (crash!) to run on propane. You kit's cleaner,aper, and it's much more readily available because so far, they haven't figured out how to put a locking gas cap on a barbeque. First thing you want to do is mount the propane tanks on your vehicle. I say just put them on there like saddlebags. I mean, this here is my horse, 200 horse actually. You'll need a lot of saddlebags, sort of like moose thompson. What you want to do is get a hunk of chain, put a propane tank on each end and then just drape that over your vehicle. (explosion) easy, big fella. You might want to get a few tanks. You may go through some. All right, once you get the tanks on there, you could connect the propane to the engine using the proper fittings and couplings, if you're made of money... But, heck, if you're that rich you might as well be running on gasoline and forget the whole deal. So I recommend you go with regular garden hose. All right, now, probably some of you might be getting a little skeptical at this point. Like, my dad used to say, "you know, you can't mix right-hand and left-hand thread connectors." he never knew about the handyman secret adaptor! So just take off as much of garden hose as you need to connect -- oh, geez, frozen here. That's a start I guess. All right, now, we're hmm -- okay, we're about ready to go here. Got all the hoses running right down into the carburetor. And then I take this barbeque starter, jam that in through the grill, and when I fire that up the whole unit should go. Okay, all I've got to do now is open all the valves on the propane tanks, and we should be ready to hit the road. Rusty here. You know, for safety sake there, you might want to leave one of the valves closed. You know, if you run out of propane you'll have a little extra, you know, if you're conservative. Mind you, if you're that conservative, probably don't want to do this project in the first place. Damn, smell that propane. If you're a smoker now you might want to extinguish your butt while you still have one. Okay, they're all wide open. Let's just fire it up. Man, I must have left 'er in gear. So remember, if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. (explosion) I want to take a minute and talk to you older fellows out there. There is a new trend going on now for men. It's called "share your feelings." especially "share your feelings with your partner for life," and I don't mean your beer gut. That sounds like a great idea, doesn't it? Sharing your feelings, make your relationship stronger, maybe make the two of you get closer together. But I'd just like to put the brakes on that right here, right now. You know how you feel about certain things she says and does, and you know what you'd like to tell her. Okay, these are feelings that should not be shared. When she asks you what you're feeling, for gosh sake, don't listen to yourself. Just put your head down, tell her what she needs to hear. If you have other feelings that need to be expressed to some living creature, hey, that's what dogs are for. Now, I'm not asking you to lie, just pick and choose. 'cause if you tell her how you feel about what she does, there's a real danger she's going to do the same thing back to you, and you're just not strong enough for that. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Well, operation indoor mall is really picking up speed. We did have the one setback. Moose thompson got wedged down in the sewer there halfway between the bagel shop and the kielbasa cottage. And we went down to look for him there, and he lit a match to show us where he was, and the methane went off like an a-bomb down there. Methane in a storm sewer? How did that get down there? Moose panicked. Anyway, I'll tell you, by gosh, the sewer really opened up there. You can actually stand up in it, and that's got to be a big appeal for a lot of shoppers. And we've got a brand new slogan. We've got one of the few malls that's rat-free now too. I can help out too. Know what I can do? Know what I can do? Know what I can do? I can do like displays because displays downtown, they've got -- out of it, right? But I can make up these modern cool ones, you know, because I'll be honest with you, leisure suits sold by the pound is not a drawing card. I'm just saying -- well, you know, it might be good to have a younger perspective, harold. You know, our market research has told us that it's the young people that have the disposable income. You did market research? Well, somebody saw flinty mcclintock's daughter with a 20. I'm hopin' it wasn' your 20, harold. I'm kidding. I'm just kidding you. You don't have to be sensitive about everything. This mall thing is a big opportunity, waving right in front of your face. You know, the best part is the underground passage portion because you know, we can have all these special item displays there, you know. Cheese samples. Cheese. And we can invite soap opera stars to come up and shake hands with you. (in deep voice) I'm jake. I've got so many ideas, you know? I could help out. All right, we can use the input. How do you feel about rejection? I'm getting used to it. Okay. This is the repair part of the show we call, "if it ain't broke, you're not trying." joining me today is local roofer arnie dogan. (applause) thanks. Yeah, yeah. It's good to be here. You know, my real career is as a country and western singer. Country music is in my blood. Whereas with roofing it's just the opposite. You know, red, falling off high places, that's an integral part of your roofing business. I suppose. That's why I'm here with my broken arm. Oh, man, you don't want me to fix your arm, do you? Oh, no, no, the doctor set it in a cast. Then I went up on george drinkwater's roof. He's got the high-pitched roof. Yeah. I would have thought you'd have a high-pitched voice by now. Yeah, I didn't fall off all the way. Oh, I was lucky enough to catch the cast coming down on the drain breather. I did about four or five doughnuts before the cast broke. So I was wondering, red, maybe you could repair that for me. Doesn't that hurt a little bit, arnie? She stings a little bit, red. Yeah. Yeah. Especially when I'm jogging. Oh, sure. On the way over stinky peterson's dog grabbed ahold of the fingers, just wouldn't let go, 'til I got a sort of windmill thing going, you know? Couldn't get him off of there. Man, oh man. Yeah, well, you know, I think you should go back to the doctor with that. Oh, no, oh, no. See, I still owe him for the leg splints and back surgery. Maybe if you could just join up the cast I think I'll be fine. Well, I don't really have any plaster. Oh, geez. Oh, wait a minute. Yeah, I can -- all right, let's try this. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! How about back this way? Is that all right? Yeah, that's good. All right, boy, this is a little unusual, arnie. I appreciate this, red. Boy, oh, boy. I don't think we've ever seen this particular technique before. That will fix 'er up nice. You think so? You know, there will be an upside to this; you'll be able to play the guitar behind your back. Red, what's good about that? Won't be as loud. All right, buddy, you're done. All right, geez. Thanks red, I owe you one. Yeah, okay. Take it easy. Red green: Bill, and I are going to go skating this week. Get up. Up you get. Up you get. All right, I'll get down. Then we can both get up. And laid out a little track of pylons there. We've got a little race -- race around there, yeah. How many laps we going to go? We don't know yet. That's unfortunate. You know, something about a frozen pond to me, just sums up winter in our part of the country and it's just -- you know, I know they have the arenas and what-have-you, but to me there's no comparison. It's just the kind of skating you do when you're on a pond and, you know, to be with a friend and just kind of enjoying the day and getting the fresh air there in your face. And, my gosh, you can have a lot of fun, especially if you're with that one special person that you can do things to, like that. It makes all the difference. And, you know, a little competition doesn't hurt either. Now, we've tried -- the race didn't go so well, so now we're going to compete at stopping. The idea, bill wants me to shoot up there. Look, it's rocket richard there. Stop on a dime. There you go. There you go. I can back up even. And bill's going to come -- bill, bill, a little more acceleration. Oh-oh! All right, well, he did eventually stop, but that was the tree. Now what are you doing now, bill? What are you doing? What's going on? You've got the rope. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you going to do? Oh, now this is exciting, isn't it? Bills's trying an old trick. It's called crack the whip. And get the other guy going, and you whip him around and crack the whip. This is me cracking the whip, right. Here's how you do it. Here's how you do it. You've got to get some juice going. Crack that baby. Get him on the ice there and whip him around and let him go. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Hang on, bill. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. I'll help you. I'll help you. There you go. There you go. Oh, there, I got you down. You're fine. Want to go skating again, bill? You want to go back to -- oh, bill, actually maybe you're going to need your skates I think to... What do we do now? Oh, boy. Well, we're all set for our big mall opening here. It's awesome. It's awesome. It is so cool. It's so incredibly awesome. The sewer walls all have teen posters on them, and there's black lights. There's even a video game. Okay, it's pong, but still... Yeah, yeah. I was thinking you guys should have picked a better anchor store for the mall because usually it's a major-name department store of some sort, not just the gasket shop. Harold, it's not just a gasket shop, it's custom gaskets. O-o-o-h! While you wait, folks, you go in there, you take your flange, your housing, whatever, then bingo, bango, bongo there's your gasket. You're out, and you're on your way to the ice cream store. Well, I never thought of it that way. What I was thinking though, I think you should change it to a yogurt shop because yogurt's good for you. Well, I don't like things that are good for me. Well, I do. I love things that are good for me. I only do good things that are good for me. I always do things that are good for me. Then stop talking. Okay. Welcome to the expert portion of the show, where we explore those three little words that men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know. They don't either. They talk and they don't know nothing. Joining my uncle red is mr. Buzz sherwood, and he's our local bush pilot. And buzz, you've been flying since -- uh, since my very first iron butterfly concert. Today's letter goes as follows. It says... "dear experts --" la-la-la. Last year -- oh, this is from redding, pennsylvania. That's far away. Gotto keep the stamp. "dear experts: Last year our son turned 15 and began to really change, "losing interest in school, "ignoring his appearance, "avoiding his family, "acting weirdly and generally turning into a rotten kid. "what did we do wrong?" well, I'll tell you, if I had a 15-year-old kid, I'd get him a car with a full tank of gas, point him toward the town where nobody knows me, and whatever happens happens. Uncle red, you have to be 16 to drive a car. Whatever happens happens. No way, red! You can't put kids down. Us kids, we're the hope of the future generation. We? You're still a kid, buzz, are you? Well, yeah, basically, because I'm only 25-9 35, 39, 44 -- oh, man, I'm 46! Man, what happened? I think you smoked the calendar. I mean, these parents they ought to just back off on the kid a little and chill, you know, like let him go through this phase. He's just rebelling a little. He'll grow out of it. Twhen? I don't know. When he's 29, 34, 40 -- how old are you? 47. You're 56. I'm 52. Got you! (laughter) I just have the one question really. Why are fireworks legal? And what kind of mind would use them at a mall opening, an indoor mall opening? I was in murray's store when they went off. Ball rockets going everywhere. A couple of cannon-crackers ripped through the get-well cards. I saw two pinwheels going on a lingerie mannequin. (laughter) actually that brought back a few memories. But there was no real danger because they got the sprinkler system there and that went off. By gosh, those units can really pump out the water, just everything. Unfortunately the water went all down and completely flooded out the entire storm sewer, and I think there were some shoppers down there. (harold's shoes sloshing) oh, oh, oh. Were all the stores flooded? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! Bookstore, bakery, toy store. Oh, harold. Oh, yeah what? What? What? Even the big ladies' underwear store got flooded out. Either that or buster's wife is going to catch her death of cold. You shouldn't be making jokes. Don't make me laugh! Don't. You shouldn't. I hope you learned something today. I did, harold. I learned that no matter how much planning you do, there's always one idiot who'll mess things up. I accept that as an apology. I hope you learned something too, harold. Yes, I did actually. Oh, I learned so many things... Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. First thing I learned that I can swim, which is a very good thing to know at times like that. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. And I learned while swimming in a sewer, I can hold my breath for ten minutes. Well, that's very, very good. Oh, it's very good. Unfortunately I was in there for an hour! (possum call) it's meeting time, uncle red. Yeah. Is it safe to go downstairs? You'll be fine. Away you go. I'll be down in a minute. All right. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I'd like to apologize for the mall opening and closing. But I think that's the end of fireworks for one day, unless you're awake when I come home. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. (applause) performed by caption resource center harold: Oh, here he is. Take your seats. Take your seats please. Take your seats. All rise. Everyone: Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red green: Sit down. Harold: Okay, I just have the one announcement. It's from baker's funeral home. During the funeral procession for moose thompson's grandfather the other day, they burned out the clutch on the hearse. So for the next two weeks only, mr. Baker is forced to use his son's stratochief wagon as a hearse. You all know that one. It's the bright yellow one with the flames across the hood. It says "satan's choice" on the tailgate. He says if you like it, we can keep using it. Seems no one's complaining so far.